I have been enchanted by faces lately. 

When I look outside. What do I see. Its hard to label the out of doors. 

With such a vast area being covered, how could it be put into words. 

I would assume, the only way to give an accurate description would be

the lack of words. The silence. The pure essence of experiencing is so much better

then explaining. 

A new focus.

It is snowing and spring break is in four days. Does not seem likely it will be a warm break. But I'm ok with that, time off will be wonderful. I'm excited about being in morganton with family and old friends. I never thought friends I made in highschool, would be to this day some of the most amazing people I have ever met. 

I wonder if thats because, if they were your friends at the most awkward stage in your life, they are going to stick with you while you become more self aware. I would like to think thats true. I'm speechless at how incredible some of the people from highschool are turning out to be. Yeah break is going to be good. 

I wanted to share this website, it's one of my art teachers for this semester. Isn't she amazing? 

New Year.

So this will be my first post of the new year. And no surprise when I say much has changed. Which is the usual case when time is involved. I am not going to bore you or myself with writing down insignificant details.  But I will say this, life has been exciting.  Of course its had its low points, mixed in with even lower points. But the thrill of getting back up is well worth the wait. 

And to be honest the silent moments are what give me inspiration, they seem to be the only moments that show me truth. Talk is overrated, give me silence any day. I think if I had to pick my perfect conditions this is what they would consist of: 

1. sitting outside, while its warm(above 60) 

2. art supplies in hand

3. or a good book

4. soaking up life. 

I can't be a teacher anymore. I have realized that my ideals and what I want for myself and for other people don't coincide with what our schools are teaching. In my education class the other day we were having a discussion about how we are preparing children to learn and produce things so we can get them a good job with a good salary. 

Really? Am I the only one who thinks this is bullshit. I do not want the human race to continue this oblivious cycle of thinking in order to feel whole, and accomplished your bank account has to be full.  I can't be part of something thats main goal is Kids, Learn, Pass Test, Make Money. 

Well thats my complaining for the day. 

Here is some sketches I have been doing for life drawing.  

I'm going to try and make this outlet more about my art then about my issues. 

 

Bittersweet

When I'm alone, I pretend I'm living our fairy tale. The one you promised, the one you said I always deserved. It really is beautiful, this magical place where everything is perfect and you actually follow through with your promises. I love it here. Its intoxicating. Your intoxicating. As much as I know you will always let me down, as much as you tell me to find somebody better, the only thing I want is for you to be that somebody. For you to change and show me all this love you talk about. For You to finally put me first, just once, just this time. Please. I always turn to begging when your around. Pathetic yes, but logic doesn't seem to work. You know tears feel like acid. I should know, every night you were in town I cried thinking maybe you would make time for me tomorrow, or the next day. Foolish foolish girl. Always wanting what I can't have, but even when I had it and it burnt me, I still wanted it. There are so many people out there who want to spend time with me, and would make it happen no matter what, following through is what they call it these days; but I just want the one person who can't find any time. Time is not that elusive, of course it's not real, but what is these days? Your love for me surely doesn't feel real, passion haven't seen that in ages, truth is that real either? What's real, what is real? I do not know today. 

I hope you know I ache for you. Always have and always will. Sadly I don't think you will do anything to fix it. 

But maybe just this once you will surprise me.  

Death.

Finals. Finals. Finals. Yes it is that time of the year again where life as I know it is put on halt and replaced with endless hours staring at a computer screen and other random books.

My eyes may actually fall out of my head. Not sure if that has ever happened to someone before, but I could be the first. 

Along with the dark circles, there is the constant back ache from being hunched over a table studying, growling stomach from forgetting to eat, and very greasy hair from the showers not being taken. 

Oh yes I love finals. It brings out the best in people. Everyone is on edge about to yell at each other over nothing. 

Ah finals, why do you have to only last a week.

A grounded middle.

School has been hectic. Life confusing. But within all this chaos I feel like I am at the calm center. Its so amazing to step back and see everything for what it is. I hear that the middle of a hurricane is one of the most beautiful sights and places to be. Surrounded by destruction and within is this place of serenity. 

I think what I need to do most is stay creative. Stay aware. I miss doing more artworks but right now its been a tough balance. However I feel like this site allows me to stay somewhat creative, I can always be honest on here. No judgements on myself, I just let my thoughts flow onto the screen. It is very therapeutic. 

So my conclusion for the day: Fleet Foxes is an amazing band. Genius. 

Its a good, monday?

Today is a good day. 

I feel fucking fantastic. 

Even though it looks gloomy outside, its kind of alluring.

I just bought Siddhartha online thorough Better World. 

You guys should check it out, amazing site. 

Oh and yay for thanksgiving breaks. Hell yes. 

I have a presentation tomorrow that I'm pretty antsy about, but after that its off to hotboxing. 

Life can not get much better then that. 

Should I become vegan? I have been playing around with the idea, any true vegans out there have advice/tips please leave them. 

I'll stop pretending soon.

I guess when it comes down to it. 

I'm just angry. Its the worst feeling in the world you believe you know someone and it turns out to be a lie. 

I know I know, just get over it. 

But why didn't he fight for me? 

Argue just once that we should still be together, instead of just letting me go so easily. 

Yes I know thats a contradiction. 

But when the roles were reversed, I fought every single time to get him back. 

I never gave up.

Not once. 

And now that its up to him to fix things. He completely gives up, doesn't do anything. 

I guess a girl just likes to feel worth it, likes to feel worth your time, enough to put your pride aside and make her feel special. 

Yes all this shows me he wasn't the one

Maybe I don't need one in the first place. 

memories.

Thank goodness for this outlet. Its not healthy to keep things in. And I know on here I don't have to sugar coat shit. That seems pretty pointless. Putting sugar on shit. Doesn't change a damn thing. You are like an itch that I continue to scratch until it bleeds, and once it heals. I go at it once again. Pain pleasure, its all a fog to me now. One seems to breath life into the other. I know I do this to myself, allow you to hurt me. No one has control over my emotions but me. But fuck I sometimes believe you know the back way in, sneak in when no one is looking. Sounds like something that you would do. Trust you one minute, break my heart the next. 

I am so naive, putting you on a pedestal like I did. Think that perhaps sharing how I was truly feeling would make you understand. Let you in? Why. Why am I so blind. You will never change, ever. And until I see that, I won't be able to either. Deep down I will always see you as the man you had my heart in the palm of his hand and threw it out the window. And I just watched. Watched like I had no control over my own life. And then thought I did something wrong. Loving you to much was my only crime. 

Never again. You are my past, never again my present, or future. That is only meant for those who really have my best interests at heart. And not pretending to be something they are not. 

I just don't want to hurt anymore. 

present time.

I think knitting has taken over my life. I have two 10 page papers due in a couple of weeks, haven't started on them and yet already on my second knitting project. Christmas is coming up, and even though I see it as a meaningless holiday to give presents. It does bring families and friends together, and you can't ask for more then that. I just wish that mindset lasted throughout the year. The fingerless mittens are the first time I have ever used dp needles, so that was interesting. The project was actually quite fast and only took a weekend. I recommend it for anybody looking for an easy project. Oh and if you want the link to where I found these projects just leave a comment and I will send it to you.

The project below is for my sister, she picked out the pattern, I think I maybe swayed her vote to this scarf in particular because I really enjoy the look of cables. And their simplicity. They were very intimidating at first so I never tried them (been knitting for two years now) and once I started its hard to stop.

Sometimes, all I need is a step back. A fleeting moment to remind me you are ok. 

Then it clicks, I can not worry about the past or the future. The past is only to be learned from and not dwelled upon, while the future is uncontrollable. I have now. That is it. 

And that is all I could ever ask for. How beautiful is life to allow these moments to occur. These moments of pure bliss and understanding. 

I have searched for a long time, I guess I am always searching, for the truth in life. Usually I would turn to the help of different religions, or different drugs. However I was always left with the feeling of something missing. Something lacking. It turned into a vicious cycle. It was not until one day I thought no more. No more pain. Then it happened, it felt like an unveiling. Seeing the world with different eyes. Not realizing they were there this whole time. 

Its quite beautiful outside.

Nameless

Nights the hardest. Night is when you really miss him.  

That longing creeps in.

Type A no longer flows. Its now a craving.

A yearning, finding out you are allergic. 

Something to ease the pain would be nice.          Where is it when you need it. 

No one said it would be this hard. 

Is this pain worth change. 

Maybe dancing naked would help. 

Who am I kidding. 

Nothing helps. 

Father time, it would be nice to start kicking in now. 

Exchanging of ideas.

The manipulation of the natural. It seems that is what separates humans from animals. 

The concept of changing what already works to stay alive. Animals are content with everything the earth provides them. While man has to continuously change what is already working. I wonder why. 

Why that urge to create, the desire to make something new, change the old. 

I have been knitting my first pair of fingerless mittens and while doing so I wondered about that idea behind the exploitation of thread. The calm enjoyment I get from knitting is the reason behind knitting in the first place.

We must get a genuine pleasure out of controlling objects. A sense of power perhaps. 

Its something to think about.